As 2016 draws to a close I find myself looking forward more than back. I dont particularly care to reflect on the previous year, as it has been a real struggle for me.
Honestly, I’m just not happy. I’m not. I don’t want to call it depression because I never went to the doctor for a diagnosis (mostly because I don’t have a history of depression, so any negativity is just situational right now and I don’t want to medicate for that). I can’t really pinpoint when I took this turn, since it’s been just a constant stream of disappointment and struggle.
On top of general money moods, I’m angrier, swearing more, praying less, feeling ungrateful, picking fights, being petty…
I know it’s mostly related to my living situation. Having no space to call my own, no privacy, no ownership of my life. Not to mention my grandmother passed away somewhat suddenly last month.
I’m not ready to talk about that just yet.
And of course I haven’t seen my family for over a year. We talk, but it’s not the same.
Turkey is wearing me down.
I’ve found myself pushing against the Turkish language, the culture, and even sometimes I won’t eat the food. I don’t know how to describe this feeling but to say I’m not me anymore, and I don’t like it. I don’t like this homesick, hate my life, and hate everyone around me feeling.
But I let myself be a victim of my circumstances, and no one/ nothing can affect me if I don’t let it.
So in 2017 my resolutions are these:
1. Boost my imaan : I need to make an active effort to reconnect with my religion. A religion I actually chose myself. I thought being in Turkey would make it easier, but I think it’s been harder. Either way, I need to get back into prayer and listen to more religious lectures.
2. Count my blessings: Every day I want to reflect on at least 3 things I should be grateful for. Even the small things, like hot soup on a cold day. When I start looking for the good instead of the bad, I know my mood will improve.
3. Take control and live NOW: I’m going to do more to have more of an influence on my own life. I intend to start that by moving out of this flat before winter is over, but that’s a post for next week. And instead of waiting for things to happen, I will take an active role in my fate and live in the now.
4. Swear and complain less: In the states, the majority of my friends don’t swear terribly much. I also made a concerted effort to not swear either. But here… Well, I have been seriously slacking. And all I ever talk about are the bad things that are happening to me and how miserable I am (sorry, friends) . No more! The occasional venting is ok, but I don’t want to complain more than once a week. Let’s be honest, cold turkey isn’t going going to work.
I know it’s cliche to make resolutions, but it’s something I need to do. Be it December or June, positive changes are never a bad thing…
What are your resolutions?