Knee Jerk Reactions

Whenever something bad happens, you tend to have that initial “knee jerk” reaction. A reflex, if you will.  My previous post basically covered hubby’s reflex to losing his job. 

You know, the “we can’t move out now” , “we will move to new city” , “everything sucks” kind of stuff.  

Well, we are trying to take a few days to step back and really evaluate the situation and the best next move. 

For both of us.  

At the moment, moving out is back in the table, taking some time off to take more professional/technical courses, and other personal development stuff is also a possibility. 

While nothing is clear right now, the only thing we can be certain of is that we have each other- and that’s what matters. 

Prayers and positivity appreciated.  

House Hunt Struggles 

Guys. 

When did it become so expensive to live in Izmir? 

We’ve been on the hunt for an apartment for a few months, just recently visiting locations and whatnot since the prices have been going down for the winter season. 

But dang. If it isn’t expensive, still!

Hubby and I work quite close to each other (he is at a factory and Im at a school, just two metro stops apart). So valid living options are centered in one 5km radius.  You think it would be easy, since there are many new apartments, old sites, etc to choose from.  I mean, there are “for rent” signs everywhere. 

But the PRICE!! 

Not many places have shown up on our radar for under 1000₺/mo, and that’s not even considering proximity to amenities, public transport, pazar locations, etc.  That’s not even taking into account the size (I’m talking tiny in some cases!) of the apartment and its having proper heating systems or not (we need that natural gas!). 

Like, base price for a poor looking, run down, old apartment on the first floor on this side of town is minimum, 900₺. Woah now.  Woah. 

For folks that live in Istanbul, you’re probably laughing at me.  Like, that’s not bad for living in the city.  But considering you make more in Istanbul… We do want to save money from our pay checks, and hope to buy a car and stuff one day in the near future. 

So far the two places we seriously considered from sahibinden were a fantastic price, but the location was terrible.  I mean,  you’re going to get kidnapped on the road terrible. 

And so we continue to live in a room in my in laws apartment… More about that later. 

Note: between work and looking for an apartment, time to write has gone down to near zero.  I hope to pick up soon! Sorry! Check my Instagram for more activity starting today! I ran out of data too fast last month… 

Drowning

I had a nightmare that I was drowning.

It didn’t start out that way, of course.  Most of my nightmares start with me being unable to control my car in some way, then it rolling off with me in it into some bad situation.

This time, it was into an ocean that was pitch black.  I tried to swim, but the water was thick like molasses.  I knew it was a nightmare because water isn’t like that,  and I know my own nightmare trends (I am prone to aware nightmares/dreams)… But for a minute I couldn’t wake up.  Lifting my eyelids was like lifting ten tons of concrete. 

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I haven’t been feeling well lately, and I blame the weather.  This sudden heat has given me daily headaches, neck-aches , and a little bit of a stomach ache (but I’m not sure if that’s from heat or something else).  Compounded on top of my already dour mood,  I haven’t been all that pleasant.

Of course, drowning doesn’t help.

I feel like I’m drowning here.  Not in Turkey, but in this over crowded house.  I know hubby is too, but there’s not a damn thing to do about it now.  No one seems to be aware of nor care how uncomfortable we are. 

All.  The.  Time. 

We are always expected to do things when we don’t want to do them.  Expected to dress a certain way and act a certain way and speak a certain way… And you can only put up with it for so long before you explode. 

While hubby tells me to do my best, his struggles are much different from mine.  Yes, he has to deal with his own inner demons and social/familial pressures to provide for all of us (which is kinda bs in my opinion,  why are you looking at us for money when we both are unemployed? Here.  Take all our life’s savings.  Just take it.  We don’t need it or anything.).

But a gelins pressures are different.

Like I’ve told you before, the women in the house are kind of like a maid.  Particularly gelins,  because they are at the whim of their mother in law.  Sure, I can always say no, or not get up to help when I hear work noises, but I’ve heard them gossip about the girls in the family who are “lazy” and “unhelpful”.  On one side,  I don’t really care what they think.  But on the other side,  I live here so I’m trying to not make it too awkward.

With the heat it’s been especially hard, since I live in the same house as my brother in law (BIL) (with no AC mind you), so I have to be full on covered unless he is at work.  Our room doesn’t even have a lock, so I’m always waiting anxiously to have to throw on all my clothes again in case BIL wants to talk to his abey. 

Everything is just accumulating. 

NO I don’t want to clean the kitchen right now,  my head hurts.

NO I don’t want to hang the laundry,  it’s hot and I have to wear all my clothes to go outside.

NO I don’t want to eat!

NO I don’t want to go anywhere!

NO don’t move the stuff I put in our room!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I DROWN!!!

The in laws will be leaving for the beach soon and we should have the majority of every month to ourselves for the summer.  I know we will be feeling much better then…

But for now,  I have to keep holding my breath.

Flailing my arms.

Trying not to drown.

Life Isn’t Fair

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that almost nothing in this life is fair.  Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people…you try and try and try your hardest to achieve a goal that someone else cheats their way through.  No matter how hard you work to do the right thing, good things may not come to you.  This is a difficult struggle that anyone and everyone of faith has no doubt experienced at least once in their life.

I guess you just have to find the good in it… or believe that, when we are all called to account for our actions, that fairness will finally be shown. But how do you get through the days until then?