I had a nightmare that I was drowning.
It didn’t start out that way, of course. Most of my nightmares start with me being unable to control my car in some way, then it rolling off with me in it into some bad situation.
This time, it was into an ocean that was pitch black. I tried to swim, but the water was thick like molasses. I knew it was a nightmare because water isn’t like that, and I know my own nightmare trends (I am prone to aware nightmares/dreams)… But for a minute I couldn’t wake up. Lifting my eyelids was like lifting ten tons of concrete.
I haven’t been feeling well lately, and I blame the weather. This sudden heat has given me daily headaches, neck-aches , and a little bit of a stomach ache (but I’m not sure if that’s from heat or something else). Compounded on top of my already dour mood, I haven’t been all that pleasant.
Of course, drowning doesn’t help.
I feel like I’m drowning here. Not in Turkey, but in this over crowded house. I know hubby is too, but there’s not a damn thing to do about it now. No one seems to be aware of nor care how uncomfortable we are.
All. The. Time.
We are always expected to do things when we don’t want to do them. Expected to dress a certain way and act a certain way and speak a certain way… And you can only put up with it for so long before you explode.
While hubby tells me to do my best, his struggles are much different from mine. Yes, he has to deal with his own inner demons and social/familial pressures to provide for all of us (which is kinda bs in my opinion, why are you looking at us for money when we both are unemployed? Here. Take all our life’s savings. Just take it. We don’t need it or anything.).
But a gelins pressures are different.
Like I’ve told you before, the women in the house are kind of like a maid. Particularly gelins, because they are at the whim of their mother in law. Sure, I can always say no, or not get up to help when I hear work noises, but I’ve heard them gossip about the girls in the family who are “lazy” and “unhelpful”. On one side, I don’t really care what they think. But on the other side, I live here so I’m trying to not make it too awkward.
With the heat it’s been especially hard, since I live in the same house as my brother in law (BIL) (with no AC mind you), so I have to be full on covered unless he is at work. Our room doesn’t even have a lock, so I’m always waiting anxiously to have to throw on all my clothes again in case BIL wants to talk to his abey.
Everything is just accumulating.
NO I don’t want to clean the kitchen right now, my head hurts.
NO I don’t want to hang the laundry, it’s hot and I have to wear all my clothes to go outside.
NO I don’t want to eat!
NO I don’t want to go anywhere!
NO don’t move the stuff I put in our room!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I DROWN!!!
The in laws will be leaving for the beach soon and we should have the majority of every month to ourselves for the summer. I know we will be feeling much better then…
But for now, I have to keep holding my breath.
Flailing my arms.
Trying not to drown.